The Importance of Holding On

 By Allison Decker

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    I am from drunken screaming matches that turned violent. The windows would shake due to the fists hitting the drywall. I would be cowering in the bathroom with the door locked because it was the only way I felt safe. Blanketed in fear with a stuffed animal as the only form of comfort. I would go to bed at 5 pm so I would be out of sight when the alcohol took hold. Hiding in my sister's rooms or crying silently while I pretended to be asleep. I would wake to see the holes in the drywall being patched and repainted. Relying on my dog and cat for comfort because they were all that I had, I refused to show my emotions to anyone else. I lived in constant fear of the consequences of opening to someone.

    I am from rollerblading with Kate in my grandma's basement. We learned when I was six years old, and she was seven. We would both hold on to different sides of a broom, she would throw me across the room until I learned how to skate and stay standing. After hours doing this, we could come upstairs bruised and bleeding, but it brought us closer together. We grew up together while rollerblading and that is what started our lifelong friendship.

    I am from the freedom that was felt the first time we rollerbladed on the trail in East Peoria together. It leads through the woods as you can hear the birds whistling and the crickets chirping. It smelled like fresh grass and rain. The sun was starting to set so there weren't that many people outside and the world was cast in a orange glow. It was the most at peace I had felt in years and at that moment I truly felt happy. I had been battling depression for about two years, and while I still had a long road to recovery, this was the moment I realized that I was going to be okay.

    I am from working at Hollybrook to be with my grandmother. I would stay after my shift with my cousin, Katelyn, and play Kings in the Corner. Covid had just hit so visitors were not allowed. The doctors said that she was only supposed to have three months to live due to bone cancer. We both got jobs as RA’s to be near her so that she could be surrounded by family. She ended up living 6 more months than the doctors had predicted, in these months we were able to get to know her. 

     My grandma would always say, “This life is too short for regrets, do everything you want, and don’t ever apologize for it.”

    I am from the residents that became my family. After a long day, I would go to work and see the excitement in their eyes when they found out I was their caregiver that night. I learned that I was truly making an impact when the residents who struggled with dementia recognized me. I had countless of their drawings hanging on my walls because they were so proud to give them to me. We were unable to accept most gifts so it was the only way that they could show their gratitude. 

    My resident had tears in her eyes when she said, “you love me more than my family did, I am in your debt.”

    She died later that month when I was working, we knew it was approaching so we always had a caregiver in her room to make sure she was comfortable. I was holding her hand when she woke up, saw me, smiled, and then passed away painlessly. I saw the light drain out of her eyes and it was as if her skin got colder in that instant. The room was chilled, and a sense of calm swept over me. It is overwhelming to have those responsibilities at sixteen, but it is a sense of fulfillment that is unreal. While I no longer work at Hollybrook I have stayed in health care; it may be hard, but it is one of the most rewarding things I have done.

    I am from rollerblading in Panama City, Florida with Kate last summer. We were so excited to rollerblade near the ocean. It was sunrise but it was pushing 100 degrees that day, we had only made it a mile when we had to stop.

    Kate stated, “Yah know, my heartbeat has been irregular recently and I'm having chest pains... so if I have a heart attack we know why.”

    “You are an EMT that works in a hospital, and you didn’t bother to get it checked out why?” I replied.

    “Because if something was wrong with me, we would have had to cancel the trip. It’s a problem for later.”  She said while laughing.

    “If something is wrong with you, how am I going to get home? You drove me here.” I said with as much attitude as I could manage on that hot day.

    “I love that you just don’t care about my dying heart, selfish as always.” she remarked.

    For some reason, that seemed like the funniest thing in the world and at that moment we were laughing so hard that everyone on the pier was staring at us. We must have looked ridiculous trying to rollerblade on the hottest day of the week. We almost passed out, so we took our skates off and walked back to the car laughing and giddy. After twelve years of rollerblading, we are now ready for our first marathon. On September 17th, 2022, we will be going to Wisconsin to do our first of many.

    I am from vacationing at Universal Studios with my family and best friend. I was so excited to visit the Harry Potter area, growing up it was a comfort movie for me so being able to experience it in person was exhilarating. We got there an hour early, people were crowding around us as we tried to see the gates being opened. When we walked into Diagon alley it was as if we were transported into the movie itself. The buildings were identical, with stores from Dervish and Banges to Honeydukes and Gringotts bank. On top of the bank, there was a dragon; everyone was crowded around staring at him in anticipation with their cameras pointed to the sky. After about fifteen minutes he breathed fire, you could feel the heat as everyone scrambled to get pictures.

     I am from waiting in line when the gates first opened for the Velicoaster. The ride had not been officially opened but they were doing test runs. We happened to be walking by at the right time when they let us in. The air smelled like hot dogs and cotton candy due to the stand near the entrance as we walked on the ride. It was pitch black and we could hear voices telling us to turn back, which only piqued our curiosity. After, we went back excitedly chattering to my parents how many flips and drops there were.

    I am from late-night adventures with the people that I love. One memory that is prominent in my mind was parking on a random country road at 4 am to do yoga in the street. It was pouring rain as we were doing the tree pose.

    Chloe said, “Just out of curiosity, what are we going to do if a car were to just start speeding down the street?”

    “Become roadkill, honestly you would look a lot better.” Joey answered.

    Before anyone could reply we saw headlights in the distance and in a panic, we scrambled to get all our things. We had blankets and our phones, that were playing yoga videos, scattered in the street. We barely had time to grab it all before making it to the car.

     I am from camping out in a cornfield with a group of my closest friends. We hiked out into the middle of nowhere to lay on the uncomfortable stalks of the recently cut-down corn so we could watch the stars. We fell asleep in a group of 10 of us all piled onto a dirty quilt trying to keep warm. The stars were beautiful, and we were all simply happy to be with one another.

About the Author

Allison Decker is attending ICC to become a Forensic Psychologist in order to help inmates prepare for life outside of prison. She loves to read, write, and spend time in nature with the people that she loves.