By Logan Lewis
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“Breaking News: The Make-A-Wish Foundation is now BANKRUPT.
More news on that story right away. This story takes us to the city of Wack
Wack, Delaware, where our subject is Ryan High School Musical 3 Senior Year the
Third—a 13-and-a-half-year-old with M.M.T.D: “Mad Matchbox Twenty Disease”—he’s
not crazy; he’s just a little unwell right now. I can’t tell. I can tell that
Mr. High School Musical 3 Senior Year has just made his wish. He wished for
unlimited wishes. This feat has never been done before, and after this, it
probably will never be done ever again.”
“As my first wish. I wish that the national anthem of the
United States would be changed. The Francis Scott Key one is old and in the
public domain now; that’s no fun. I wish that the new National Anthem be Peaches,”
Ryan said.
Later that night after he went to bed, there was a hockey
game, the Mighty Ducks vs. the Anaheim Mighty Ducks in Mesa, Arizona. “And now
we’d like to welcome to sing our national anthem, the star of such beloved
movies The Neverending Story 3 and Nacho Libre. Put your hands
together for Jack Black!”
As Jack stepped up to the microphone, something happened:
the words in his mind changed “Oh say can you….moving to the country: gonna eat
a lot of Peaches. Moving to the country, gonna eat me a lot of Peaches.” Jack
didn’t know what was going through his mind, but he knew that there were
millions of peaches. Peaches for free.
When young Mr. High School Musical 3 woke up the next
morning, he saw the headline: “Panda Turned Undercover Teacher Sings about
Peaches.” That’s when he knew. He was unstoppable. The world was his and with
his Mad Matchbox Twenty Disease and his wish upon the Make-A-Wish foundation—he
knew it makes no difference who you are—but he was going to take the world by surprise. He called
up the local Makes-A-Wish representative Marty Blender and said to him over the
phone, “I wish to be able to physically swim in money like Scrooge McDuck.”
“But that’s physically impossible. Did you see that one
Family Guy cutaway gag? It can’t be done. That and you only have the allowance
your parents give you, which is a8 dollars after tax.
“Not for long. I wish I had all of the money in the world placed
in an offshore bank account because the Joker would never avoid the I.R.S, but
I would because tax evasion is radical.”
All around his room, money started to appear everywhere.
Dollars, coins, stock in Radio Shack, deeds to land on the Moon, he had it all.
“Now that I have lots of money, I wish to dive into money like Scrooge McDuck.”
“Very well Mr. High School Musical 3 Senior Year. Just
spread your wings and dive,” the Representative said.
With his confidence restored, he then leapt and did the swan
dive of eternal beauty into his money and landed on the moon. It’s hard to say
what Mr. High School Musical 3 did, but with his Mad Matchbox Twenty Disease,
let’s see how far we’ve come, let’s see how far we’ve come.
After getting out of the hospital, the first thing our hero
did was realize something: Penguins are being exploited by Hollywood propaganda
and he wanted none of this. So he of course rang up his Representative and
said, “I wish that Penguins would become an endangered species. That way they
won’t ever be forced to dance or be the mascots of Club Penguin ever again, or
ever have to escape to Madagascar.”
With a snap of his fingers (Is Marty Blender a Genie? Find
out at 11), Penguins from all over the world were then teleported to their very
own territory—a place where no humans would ever dare go—Antarctica, Ohio.
After this move, a whole swarm of Hippies flocked to Ohio and made it their
mission to save the Penguins because to their driving cars that get horrible
gas milage minds, if you stare at Penguins, nobody could ever make them do
anything ever again because nobody ever wants to deal with Hippies. Just ask
Eric Cartman.
It was at this point that Mr. High School Musical 3 Senior
Year realized something. As long as he had this disease, he could use his
unlimited wishes to save the world, get rid of the branches of Government, and stay up
until 3 a.m. just like that one song says. It took him a minute to decide what
he should do next, but he just knew it had something to do with something big.
“Oh, I’ve got it,” he said aloud.
Another call was placed to Mr. Blender and in this one, our
“hero” decides to do something epic. “I wish that every single day of my life, I
would get a personal wake-up call from John Lennon.”
“You know John Lennon’s dead, right?”
“Oh, in that case, I wish every morning I would get a
wake-up call from Paul McCartney.”
Upon snapping his fingers, Blender called the McCartney
estate and found out a personal wake-up call from Sir Paul would be “a lot of
pounds”.
Blender gulped and thought to himself, “If this kid makes
any more wishes, he’ll make the foundation go bankrupt. I got it, I’ll make him
want to go to jail. I don’t think you can grant wishes in jail.”
After the next morning’s call from Paul, Blender came to Mr.
High School Musical 3: Senior Year’s house and said to him, “Good day, sir. I
have a question for you.”
“Yes?”
“Have You ever been to jail?”
“No.”
“You don’t know what you’re missing out on then, man. To go
to jail, all you have to do is simply wish, the rest will come in time.”
“Ok, then, I wish I could go to jail for—hmm—prostitution. Sure,
why not?”
“In that case, your very questionable wish is my command.”
After Paul’s call the next day, Mr. High School Musical 3:
Senior Year found himself in jail. His wish had come true, and he was excited
to dig out of jail someday with a spoon and a Rita Heyworth poster.
“Now that he’s in jail for the next 8 months, I think I’ll
go on vacation,” Blender thought to himself. As his bags were packed and he was
getting ready to leave, Blender noticed something in his mail: he was invited
to our humble news station for an interview, which is precisely where we are
right now!
Across the room was Blender, and he looked like he was tired,
but we hope he’s not tired from helping a person with Mad Matchbox Twenty
Disease.
We have a special surprise for him. Apparently, before going
to jail for 8 months, High School Musical 3 Senior Year had mailed us a secret
wish, and he wanted us to read it out loud
for the whole world to hear. As we opened the envelope and gave
the request from that poor boy a read, a smile formed across the face of me and
my co-anchor, Meteorologist Tina Billy Idol.
“For my last wish, I wish the United States would build its
own Death Star. You never know when you’ll need to blow up a planet someday, or
maybe the Earth itself. I wish for a Death Star to be built, but not with taxes.
That’s lame. But with money from the Make-A-Wish Foundation.”
Blender’s eyes got wide and with one reluctant snap of his
fingers, work got started on the 192 quintillion-dollar job. “This
certainly implies doom for the Make-A-Wish Foundation, but at least we can blow
up planets and stuff. That’s kind of cool,” Blender thought.
With the Foundation now bankrupt, progress on this mega
Death Star had to be halted and the foundation was class action sued by all the
Star Wars fans worldwide.
Not being able to pay the fees, Blender on behalf of Make-A-Wish
accepted a deal to go to jail to avoid the many angry fans and their toy
lightsabers. We couldn’t reach Blender, Mr. High School Musical 3: Senior Year,
his parents, or Kurt Cobain for their comments. This has been the
news from Chanel 707 out of Wack Wack, Delaware, in the daytime. Good night!
About the Author
Logan Lewis is a student at Illinois Central College and has always considered English to be his favorite subject. Recently, he has found he prefers to write absurd, off-the-wall stories that make virtually no sense at all. He has decided that he wants to stick to this style, as he considers it unique and unusual. He wants to spend his life writing, being silly, and playing the Guitar and writing songs and stories. His heroes are God, His Parents and Mister Rogers. You can usually find him at Guitar Center…or screaming R.E.M. songs in his car.