By Logan Lewis
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The Wack, Wack, Store: the top store in Wayoutoftown,
Tennessee, if you want anything from autographed copies of the Bible to beef
jerky. It was another fine day: nothing to go wrong or so we all thought. At
exactly 4:35 in the afternoon on July 1st 20something, five well-dressed men
came in: they had one intention: to do some takin’ care of business. These men
were all dressed up as Elvis Presley. These men all thought they were Elvis
Presley.
“Listen here lady, you see that Pink Cadillac parked
outside? Well fill ‘er up,” the leader said to the clerk.
“Ugh, not another posse of Elvis impersonators,” said the
clerk who was clearly regretting moving to Tennessee.
“IMPERSONATORS!!?!?!?!?!” said each and every Elvis at once.
At this point the Elvi all got into formation and just like that, they were
their own Power Rangers armada: all set on one goal. They saw it sitting there
next to the cash register.
“Hey what’s that?” said an Elvis who was intended to be a
cross between Elvis and John Lennon, but was more of a Hippie Elvis. As the
clerk turned around, the leader of the posse nicknamed Pelvis Elvis took their
MacGuffin: the TAPS donation jar. This was their big master plan: they were
going to take all of the TAPS jars: along with all of their contents. Then they
were going to use their newly acquired money to afford a hitman to assassinate
the Ronald McDonald impersonator they had a bit of a run in with back in the
day.
The Elvi then all ran out the store with Pelvis yelling,
“DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!” It was Overweight 1970s Elvis who got into the driver’s
seat and then they were about to take off. “Um hey guys, who has the keys?”
Overweight 1970s Elvis said to the group who were all amazingly able to fit in
the five-seater Cadillac.
“Oh yeah, I do. Sorry, my bad,” said Elvis Costello-looking
Elvis who was locked in the trunk along with The Elvis with Blonde Hair. As Overweight
1970s Elvis got out of the car and popped open the trunk, he then saw a shadow
appear over the entire Wack, Wack, Store. As the Elvi looked on, they saw
something so beautiful and so haunting up above them in the southern sky and it
just wasn’t the stars or whatever the Eagles sung about that one time. It was a
giant burger: a flying cheeseburger: with extra onions, pickles and while it soared
onward, Jimmy Buffet’s “Cheeseburger In Paradise” blared from the
Heavens as the burger started to descend.
“Where should we land ,boss?” said Commander Gretchen Agent
Cody Banks of the Burgergeddon: McDonalds’ personal star fighter that they
totally have in real life, just in case there ever is another Super
Size Me documentary made.
“You see that building next door to all of those people
dressed up like Elvis?”
“Where specifically? We’re in Tennessee. Everybody pretty
much looks like Elvis.”
“You see that building next to that store? Well land there,”
Super Commander Major Payne Billy Idol said as he pointed to the Burger King
next door.
“Hello and welcome to Burger King where YOU RULE! May I take
your—” started the drive thru attendant, but she could not finish. At that
moment, the Burgergeddon had landed right on top of the Burger King, and it
immediately collapsed.
“Could you please give us just one minute: it appears that
we have been destroyed by the wrath of Jimmy Buffet,” the clerk said apologetically
to the car at the drive thru box.
“That’s okay. Take your time. I don’t know what I want yet,
anyways,” the man in the car said.
“Was that really necessary?” Commander Gretchen said.
“Yes. I hate their commercials,” said Super Commander Major
Payne Billy Idol said as he stepped off the ship.
“Oh yeah, I forgot we were part of this story. Not gonna lie,”
Pelvis Elvis says as Super Commander Major Payne Billy Idol and Commander
Gretchen Agent Cody Banks ran next door.
“You,” Hippie Elvis hissed at the two-person crew of
the Birgergeddon as they stared daggers at the Elvi posse.
“How dare you. You know what you did. It’s all your fault we
do what we do,” Pelvis Elvis snapped at Major Idol and Commander Banks.
“It wasn’t our fault at all,” Banks said in defense.
“We had no control over that promotion.”
“We don’t care what you have to say. It was the same company
you all work for. It was one of your comrades that gave The Elvis with Blonde
Hair AN EXPIRED COUPON,” Pelvis Elvis said.
“It’s not our faults the super-size me upgrade isn’t available
anymore. Blame Morgan Spurlock. It was because of his documentary that McDonald’s
had to discontinue that,” Super Billy Idol said to the Elvi.
“We don’t care for your petty excuses. We just want our
revenge. We’re going to pull a Switzerland. If we can’t have it, nobody can,”
Overweight 1970s Elvis monologued.
“Don’t you mean Atlanta during the Civil War? But fighting
is bad man. Have a flower,” Hippie Elvis said.
It was right after this monologue that the five Elvi pulled
out their weapons: DVD copies of the infamously weird Howard the Duck
movie which were intended to ward off their enemies. Oh, all except The Elvis with
Blonde Hair who had a bow staff imitating his hero Napolean Dynamite.
“Okay, they’ve pulled out their copies of Howard the Duck.
Okay, we’re bailing. Um, yeah bye. Keep stealing from poor animals. Peace,”
said Major Billy Idol as he and Commander Gretchen Agent Cody Banks slowly moved
backward toward the Burgergeddon. They flew off into the distance leaving a trail of
“CHEESEBURGER IN PARADISE: HEAVEN ON EARTH WITH AN ONION SLICE” behind
them.
“Oh, uh, that was quick. Cowards,” Pelvis Elvis proclaimed
to the other Elvi.
“So um, what do we do now?” asked The Elvis with Blonde Hair.
“Hmmm. Oh, I’ve got it. Let’s use the 3 dollars and 12 cents
to go hire that—. Oh, uh, do you guys hear that?” Pelvis said as he heard the
fait sounds of Jimmy Buffet. That’s when the Burgergeddon crash landed on top
of them and at that moment, the Elvi were gone.
“Oh, sorry guys. I’m back. Um, where are they?” Super
Commander Major Payne Billy Idol asked his second in command. He left because
he remembered that he had the ultimate weapon to combat the Howard the Duck
movie: A pirated copy of The Emoji Movie narrated by Christopher
Walken.
“Hmm, I wonder where they went. I still call this a win in
our books,” said Commander Banks.
“Oh, it’s totally a win. Now let’s get going. We have to now
take down Scientology by watching Face/Off over and over again,” said
Super Commander Billy Idol. they then got back into the Burgergeddon and “Cheeseburger
in Paradise” blared, they headed straight for Los Angeles.
“Hey, where are we?” Overweight 1970s Elvis asked.
“Why, hello there. I hear you guys are fans, and I just
wanted to say, thank you. Thank you very much,” the one and only Elvis Presley
said.
“Oh my gosh! It’s really him. Oh man, we’re all big fans,
and um, wait we’re dead, aren’t we?” Pelvis Elvis asked the real Elvis.
“Yep.”
“Dang it. Oh well. Let’s go check out what being dead is
like. Let’s go explore Heaven and see if we can find Richard and Maurice McDonald
and use our copies of Howard the Duck against him,” Hippie Elvis said.
“Um, who said you were in Heaven?”
About the Author
Logan Lewis is a student at Illinois Central College and has always considered English to be his favorite subject. Recently, he has found he prefers to write absurd, off-the-wall stories that make virtually no sense at all. He has decided that he wants to stick to this style, as he considers it unique and unusual. He wants to spend his life writing, being silly, and playing the Guitar and writing songs and stories. His heroes are God, His Parents and Mister Rogers. You can usually find him at Guitar Center…or screaming R.E.M. songs in his car.