By Jenna Pursell
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It
was a beautiful fall day. The air was crisp and cool, making it perfect weather
for a light cover. I decided to walk to a place I haven't been in years. A
place that brought comfort in a world that was far from comfortable. It has
always helped in times of need, and I hoped it could help again. It was a path
that lead to a bench that I stumbled upon while wandering one day after
escaping the wrath of a not-so-pleasant parent. After that day, anytime I
needed a place to be alone and to think, I walked the mile-long path and felt a
little more secure and at ease.
Walking
alongside the woods, I could not help but embrace the nature around me. The way
the wind swept by collecting the variety of colors and various shapes of leaves
in large heaps at the base of the trees. As I approached a leaf to step on to
hear the satisfying crunch it makes with the perfect amount of applied
pressure, I heard a similar sound behind me.
Turning
around I saw my younger self stomping on every leaf possible with the largest
grin upon her face. Jumping on all the different amber and maroon leaves. While
I should have been taken aback from seeing my younger self, I just could not
help but enjoy seeing how even after a fight with my father that day I was
still able to find a moment of peace. It was the day I found the path. I smiled
and continued to walk further.
Soon
after, I approached a bridge with a small stream of water running underneath.
Once again, a younger version of myself was present. At this moment I realized
this was not going to be an ordinary walk, but an actual stroll through memory
lane. The only problem was this was not as happy as the last; it was a much
bigger battle I was facing. Walking up to my younger self leaning over the edge
of the bridge, I looked at her then looked over alongside her. “Well, that is a
nice drop down. Bet it would hurt if you fell over.” This made the girl laugh a
little. Looking at her now I spoke again. “What are you doing looking over the
edge?” I already knew what she was doing but I wanted to start a conversation.
While over the years I have gotten better with my bad thoughts, I remembered
what it was like to get stuck in your own head just hoping someone would
distract you long enough to catch a break.
Stepping
back she crossed her arms and analyzed my appearance looking at me from head to
toe. After she seemed to finish, she shook her head and said “Alright, I like
your energy, so I will tell you. Do not judge, though, it might sound weird,
but I was making leaves race.” She looked down as she said the last sentence.
“It helps clear my head some. You pick your favorite leaves and throw them in
and run to the other side to see them pop out,” she simply explained the
concept to me.
“I
won't judge you. I used to race leaves once upon a time. Though I have not in a
few years.”
My
younger self ran off coming back quickly with a few different types of leaves.
“Here. If you would like, we can race leaves?”
Taking
a small pointy one I walked over to the bridge. We held the leaves over the
edge and together counted down from three. “Three, two, one, drop!” Once we saw
them hit the water, we ran to the other side to watch them come out.
“Seems
we have tied,” I said, looking back at her.
Though
she seemed sad, I remembered that day all I wanted was someone to ask me what
was wrong. Even when I knew I probably should not say. So that's what I did,
“What's making you feel down?”
She
looked at me and started talking. “Sometimes I feel as though I do not matter.
Like no one would even care if I went missing. It just feels like no one would
even realize if something happened to me.”
This
is when it clicked. I could change my thoughts. “I know it might feel like that,
but I promise you’re so important. Sometimes people cannot always give you all
the time and attention you may want or need. It may seem as though you are
unnoticed but that is far from the truth. One day you will look back and
understand all of this and see how big of a role you played in the lives of the
people closest to you.”
The
girl started playing with her fingers. “I hope so. It can just be so hard some
days. Well, thanks for the talk and the leaf racing. It really helped.” With
that said, she ran off leaving me to continue my walk.
The
walk alone has always helped me. Being in the open made me feel like nothing
could touch me. The bench I was making my way to was nothing special. It was an
ordinary one, but it was a safe place. A place no one could find me, a place
all to myself. As I looked into the distance the bench had finally come into
view.
I
was not surprised to see a younger me again, but when I saw her this time, I
was much older than the other time it raised a few questions. This version of
me was a young adult, maybe seventeen, while I am twenty-six. It was clear she
was not doing well. Her legs were pulled to her chest holding them as she had
fresh tears falling at a steady pace down her face blocking her sight. The
sight made something in me shift. I hesitantly sat next to her. This time was
different than the others. It was the freshest wound. It was the problem that I
still battle today, me, myself and my mind.
Her
cries turned to soft sniffles. “Please tell me this is not how we will always
be.”
Her
wording threw me off. Did she say we? “Do you know who I
am?”
Looking
up she nodded her head yes.
This
was really different from the other ones. Was it because I was younger or was it
because I had moved forward from those problems? After all, she knew we were
the same person.
“Please
tell me this is not how life will always be. I can no longer handle all the ups
and downs. I have been waiting for a day when I am alright, a day I do not cry
all night, a day I no longer have to fight. For so long I have held hope and I
have started to lose it all. I wish it would all end somedays. I tried reaching
out for help and it did nothing, which made me realize I am the problem. I am
the reason everyone leaves. I'm the reason for my own issues. I do not desire
to be happy. After all, I have only caused problems. Though I would really like
it, I am starting to think happiness is a lie we tell people as a sick game.”
I
remembered when those thoughts consumed my mind daily; it was hard. Luckily, I
have healed a bit and could offer advice. “Yes, life is hard, and it will stay
that way for a while. The thing is though, we end up doing great things. I am
not going to tell you everything. Just know you get better; we get better. You
will heal in a way you never thought would be possible, and it is manageable.
You will get help and learn to let go of the past and forgive those who have
wronged you. You will achieve great things and make a name for yourself. The
part that I still struggle believing is happiness is found. Not only happiness
and forgiveness to others, but after more work you move forward in the biggest
way. You will eventually end up forgiving yourself for all the years of
torture, self-hate, mean comments and finally love yourself.” Pausing a moment
to let it all sink in, I then continued. “I will not lie, it is so hard. You
will want to quit, but we never did. Even after things get better, new problems
show up but that's a part of life, as is trying to maintain the positive
feeling of the good moods and not falling back into old habits. We do make it through,
and it gets more manageable. Just give it time and no matter what, keep going.
You are stronger than you ever thought.”
Turning
to grab her hand I looked her in the eyes and told my younger self something I
should have a long time ago. “I love you, and I am so proud of you. I am sorry
for not telling you that more often, but it is true just know that and never
forget it. We will be fine and get through anything that is thrown at us. Stay
strong, be safe and know Happiness is on the way.”
She
reached out to hug me. “Thank you. No matter how far we come, please never
forget me.”
“I
could never. You are the reason I made it.” After saying that I felt a weight
lifted off me, and she vanished into the air. At that moment I realized that
this was a test. A test to see if I have really grown. Everything I just told
my younger selves today is what I also needed to hear, and just like that, the
purpose of the walk was fulfilled.
About the Author
Jenna Pursell is a student at Illinois Central College who is working to become a therapist. She loves to write stories about overcoming the struggles of everyday life. She enjoys learning new things every chance she gets, along with spending time with her friends and family. Her goal is to spread awareness of the power of self-improvement and what a good support group and healthy relationships can do.