By Chae Santana
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The Birthday Card
The birthday card I got from Frank sits in the box. It’s one
of those things that I keep because throwing it away feels final. He
wasn’t really meant to be my father, but at one time I thought maybe he could
have been. I wanted it to work out. I wanted him to be the one who didn’t
disappear. I guess I only called him “dad” for a short while, and after
everything that happened it was never going to be more than a card. I don’t
feel anything when I see it, but I still keep it.
The Stickers
I still have the superhero stickers he gave me. I don’t even
like superheroes. I never did, I think they’re unrealistic, but I still keep
the stickers. They were from my first kiss, back when everything was lighter.
He died shortly after in a car accident. He was only thirteen. I don’t know why
I hold on to them, maybe because it reminds me of a time when things were
simpler, when there were no hard truths to face or things left unsaid. Or maybe
it's just the last thing I have of his and can’t let go of.
The Hard Drive
I kept the hard drive full of photos from the Phoenix trip
with my sister. People used to mistake us for twins, and during that time we
were inseparable it didn’t matter what we faced together. But something shifted
I don’t know when. She’s different now, we’re different. There’s resentment
that hangs in the air when we talk about anything at all. What we have now
doesn’t fit with the people in those pictures. I miss her. I miss the way we
used to be, though now I'm not sure what that was. I look at the photos often.
The Letters
I have all the letters from my father’s side of the family.
They used to reach out every few months, showing me how much they wanted to
know me. I thought I meant something, they were excited and wanted to be close.
But now we barely speak. The letters stopped coming and I stopped waiting for
them. I look at those letters sometimes, tucked away in a box. They don’t
really feel like they belong to me anymore. Now I wonder if they ever did, we
are all connected by blood but even that feels like it’s worn thin.
The Friendship Necklace
The friendship necklace from Haley, It feels like a cruel
joke now. She wasn’t really my friend; I knew that but wouldn’t admit it. She
made me audition to be her friend, I was ten and too naïve to know what that
meant. But I wanted it, I wanted to feel like I belonged. I wanted someone to
choose me, and in the end, she chose everyone else but me. I don’t know why I
kept the necklace; it's just a cheap piece of metal. But it's the closest thing
I have to what I thought friendship could be.
The Perfume Bottles
I kept the two perfume bottles my mom gave me one Christmas.
It was one of the first real gifts I’d seen in years because Christmas wasn’t
something we could usually afford. She said, “I got you your favorites.” One
was my sister's favorite, and the other was a scent I liked when I was eight.
I’ve worn vanilla products for years now and my bathroom is full of various
lotions and oils. I guess she never noticed. I didn’t say anything, just
smiled, said thank you, and kept them. They still smell the same. I've
never used them.
The Gift Cards
There’s a stack of old gift cards in the box. Dave and
Buster’s Chuck E Cheese, various random places we said we’d go back to. We
never returned but I always thought we would. Maybe we’d get another weekend
where things felt light again. When everyone had fun when no one was angry or
tired. I held on to them like miniature promises, like proof that we could feel
that happy again if we just had more time. Now they just feel like expired
memories, they'll never buy anything, but I can’t throw them out. Maybe we’ll
go back.
The Coin
There’s a foreign coin in the box, but I have no clue where
it’s from. Its design is strange and faded, and the language doesn’t look
familiar. I think I found it on the ground somewhere. It doesn't feel valuable
or rare, It just feels out of place. I told myself I’d Google where it came
from (I didn’t ), so now it's just a mystery sitting at the bottom of the box.
I do not know why I kept it, maybe it’s because it never tried to mean
anything, it was just there like background noise and stayed put.
About the Author
